The Earth is populated by so many different animals that we're still learning about many of them.
Suffice it to say, we naturally have such a diverse array of creatures
that we surely don't need to be making up new ones. But that doesn't
stop humanity from breeding a bunch of bizarre creatures into existence every now and then just to keep around the house, with the following Pokemon rejects being the horrible price we're now paying for our hubris:
Nature's design for the horse is pretty good to begin with, but with
enough money and hard work, it would be possible to make it stronger,
hardier, faster ... you know, better. Instead, some people have made a
concerted effort to make a version that appears like a cross between a warthog and a Troll Doll, also known as the dwarf or miniature horse:
Phil Konstantin/Wiki Commons It's like if Eeyore had a little brother that was only allowed to leave the attic on his birthday.
We're serious right now: It's damn near impossible to find a picture
where they don't look depressed or tired from mocking natural selection
with every second of their existence. The mini horses are literally
dwarfs, created by the passing of the equine dwarfism gene.
Perhaps the plan was to breed a proportioned, smaller version of a
regular horse (for which we would pay 20 buttloads of dollars), but
instead the animals ended up with grossly enlarged heads and a dark
wonderland of health problems, including complicated births and leg deformities.
Mini dwarf horses have been known as a particularly "calm" breed,
although we think people are confusing calmness with the horses'
constant, paralyzing fear that they'll be attacked and eaten by an
elderly, arthritic coyote.
Humans have been breeding giant rabbits for about 500 years now, and today these Hulk versions of Peter Rabbit can measure more than four feet and weigh up to 50 pounds,
which they'll swear up and down is the result of genetics, but it might
have something to do with their diet. In a single day, one of the
largest of the continental giant rabbits will eat 12 carrots, a third of a cabbage, some apples, and two bowls rabbit feed.
Caters News In a pinch, a small human child will also suffice.
Sadly, as awesome as these floppy-eared mini-kaiju seem, their gigantism is actually pretty debilitating.
Flopsy Jumbo will probably live to be only 5 or 6 years old, while
Flopsy Normal can reach 8 or 12 years of age. He will also suffer from
heart issues, the inability to clean his own ass, and swollen feet that may lead to a sedentary life of overeating and morbid obesity.
nuzzlets.org "What's up, doc?"
"Your cholesterol and blood pressure."
You'll need to look at that for a moment to get a sense of scale --
that's a fully grown chicken that can fit in the palm of your hand. The
tiny serama chicken is one of Asia's earliest attempts at
miniaturization, before they decided that shrinking down electronics
would probably be more profitable. Originating in Malaysia, an adult
serama rooster can weigh as little as three-quarters of a pound -- less than your average pigeon -- making it the smallest breed of chicken in the world.
Deborah Coulter Still, there's enough meat here to make, like, 50 chicken McNuggets.
The birds are known in Malaysian as ayam cantik, or "pretty
chickens," which would be super creepy if the serama was bred strictly
for eating. Fortunately, they have mostly found use as family pets and
contestants at chicken beauty pageants
-- technically the less disturbing alternative to fetishizing your
dinner by calling it "pretty." The chickens have been around for only
about 50 years, but they have already become prized for their proud
soldier-like stance and walk. Sadly, it's just false bravado, as the
small stature of the pygmy chicken makes it very easy prey for other animals like cats and even rats.
Rsteagall/Wiki Commons For more information, just go to Google and search for "tiny Asian cock."
Look at its feet.
Technically known as polydactyl cats, these adorable freaks of nature
are felines born with extra toes (and, presumably, the desire to murder
Spanish sword-makers). Now, your usual cat will have 18 digits -- 10 in
the front and eight in the back -- but a polydactyl animal can sport
anywhere between 19 and 28 dispensers of scratchy death.
This often includes an un-opposable "thumb," which a poly cat would
constantly use to sarcastically "like" your life failures, if cats gave
half a shit about humans.
tfg69 "Great job not talking to another human all day, buddy! Boy, that Sharon was an idiot for leaving you!"
Polydactylism is the result of a genetic anomaly which we've been selectively breeding into our pets for years because d'aaaaaw! Look at their little mitten hands! Even the likes of Teddy Roosevelt
and Ernest Hemingway fell victim to the poly cat's adorableness, with
Hemingway keeping close to 25 of them at his island home off Key West,
where their descendants live to this day. That's why poly cats are occasionally known as "Hemingway cats."
Howie831/Wiki Commons And here we thought it was because they're solitary bastards that don't fear death.
Dragon carp,
also called longfin and butterfly koi, are fish that have been bred to
have fins that make them look like the ghost of Aquaman's girlfriend in a
spectral wedding dress. Why? Oh, the regular reason -- because it looks
weird, and because someone figured that there must be a better way to
make your fish tank look haunted without turning off the filter and
going away for a week.
Janna Morrison Either that or someone really wanted a pet that looks like Chinese egg drop soup.
The fish were created by Japanese breeders who mixed sturdy
Indonesian carp with traditional koi, in order to toughen up the latter.
Unfortunate, then, that they created an animal that seemingly can't
come into contact with anything harder than used tissue paper without
looking like it just went through a commercial blender.
The sorcery of making fish into underwater phantoms of pointlessness has also been performed on certain varieties of betta fish, those small, brightly colored assholes at the pet store that must be sequestered in tiny plastic cups to stop them from murdering each other. The result can most aptly be described as an angry, swimming doily.
OK, that's not the official name. We're creating an umbrella term for
all of these varieties of fish with weird-ass growths on their faces
that, once again, breeders have put there on purpose.
The first fish in this selection from the upcoming Finding Nemo/The Thing crossover is called the "pom pom." Its "eye crust" is what fish enthusiast call the "nasal bouquet,"
which is actually the fish's septa, bred to explode out of its face in
tight little orbs that make it look like it stifled one too many
sneezes. Since their heads look like a buffet of lightly grilled
cauliflower, it's recommended that they be kept away from things they
can bump into.
Connie Castillo Making them the ideal specimens to keep in tiny aquariums.
They're believed to be the first goldfish
bred to have a "wen" or "hood," which is a very charitable way to
describe the red/orange growth on their heads. The bulb does not appear
until the fish is 2 or 3 years old and, according to experts, "should
not cover the eyes, nose, or mouth of the fish." Not because breeders
care about the well-being of their pets but because orandas with growths
covering their whole heads would technically be "lionhead" fish.
leisuretime70/iStock/Getty Images In related news, fish owners have never seen a real lion.
And speaking of horribly misleading euphemisms, let us introduce you
to the flowerhorn cichlid, a bizarre Malaysian fish with a balloon
forehead, also known as a "nuchal hump," that makes it look like the result of drunken sex between a Goomba and a Cheep Cheep.
I would like to mention that wens covering the eyes, mouths and noses of the Ranchu goldfish (those presented above are not Oranda) are not desired precisely because goldfish breeders DO care about our pets, not because it would make them a Lionhead. These fish live perfectly normal, healthy lives despite their modified appearance. Show standards advise against overgrown wens as well - though primarily for aesthetic reasons. Lionhead goldfish do not have wen growth covering their mouths or eyes - it would disqualify them in a show. They differ from the Ranchu in their more excessive wen growth on the gill plates, back of the head and cheeks.
If you were to pick on a certain breed of goldfish as being overly hybridized (which there admittedly are some), I would call to mind the Bubble eye, whose quality of life deteriorates as its eye sacks grow to the point of not allowing the fish to rise off the tank floor. The fish mentioned in this article do not suffer any such debilitation and live normal happy lives if treated well.
Phil Konstantin/Wiki Commons
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I would like to mention that wens covering the eyes, mouths and noses of the Ranchu goldfish (those presented above are not Oranda) are not desired precisely because goldfish breeders DO care about our pets, not because it would make them a Lionhead. These fish live perfectly normal, healthy lives despite their modified appearance. Show standards advise against overgrown wens as well - though primarily for aesthetic reasons. Lionhead goldfish do not have wen growth covering their mouths or eyes - it would disqualify them in a show. They differ from the Ranchu in their more excessive wen growth on the gill plates, back of the head and cheeks.
If you were to pick on a certain breed of goldfish as being overly hybridized (which there admittedly are some), I would call to mind the Bubble eye, whose quality of life deteriorates as its eye sacks grow to the point of not allowing the fish to rise off the tank floor. The fish mentioned in this article do not suffer any such debilitation and live normal happy lives if treated well.
Best,
Meredith