At the recent MTV VMAs, Kanye West won a trophy. Taylor Swift handed it to him and for the next two minutes of applause he stood on a raised platform looking lost and stoned. In reality, he was both.
Behind him, a gaggle of young flesh, mostly female, raised its hands and ululated. It wasn't grief they tore from their hearts. They were paid to offer fake whoops and phony cheers for one of the most unattractive personalities in show business: Kanye West.
When the claque becalmed itself for one shining moment, Mr. West drew breath in order to begin his speech. But the simple movement of his lips ignited another frenzy of engineered enthusiasm. Thus passed another 23 seconds.
Mr. West began his speech by shouting the word, "Bro," which may have been "Brow." But that wouldn't make any sense. However, since he continued to make no sense, maybe he did say, "Brow," instead of, "Bro."
His next utterance was, "Listen to the kids." This earned him more ecstatic applause, which he soaked up manfully.
Then, at 3 minutes and 16 seconds, he thanked Ms. Swift for giving him his trophy.
He recalled the first time he met Ms. Swift, and then compared that encounter to a trip to a grocery store with his daughter, which ended with, I believe, some juice. (I've watched the video twice and I still can't figure out what he was trying to say.)
Maybe he was trying to apologize for being a jerk. He confessed to being disrespectful to artists while fighting for artists. He was sorry that Justin Timberlake cried when he (Justin) failed to win album of the year.
And then he (Mr. West) performed a sort of flailing gesture-as though he was an ocean going bird (maybe a cormorant)-as he said, "I'm not no politician bro. Listen to the kids bro. I just want people to like me more."
If you ever have a Kanye moment, here's what to do.
1. Don't roll a bone and smoke it before you get an award.
2. Don't roll a bone and smoke it when you know you will be getting an award on a nationally aired TV show.
3. If you don't roll a bone, you may avoid some of the embarrassing things that Mr. West did.
4. Like going blank and staring at the floor like you're the ring leader of the Hole in the Head Gang. Instead, since you agreed to accept the award, plan, write, and rehearse your remarks.
5. Plan, write, and rehearse in front of someone who doesn't have permanently puckered lips. In other words, get someone to help you prepare, who knows what needs to be said, and will tell you the hard truth about your plans to wing it.
6. Be careful about how much you share about your inner neurotic. It's true that audiences crave intimacy with speakers, but they don't want to be bummed out by your whining and complaining.
7. I like the dictum: "Begin. Be brief. Be seated." Mr. West took forever to begin, forever to wander in his tortured bungalow of a psyche, and way too long to park his hind quarters in the chair from which he rose.
The old rules hold, even for rappers. Brevity, levity, and charity are the keys for effective speaking. On this uncomfortable occasion, Mr. West lacked all three.