By E. Jean
Dear E. Jean: Seven months ago I rekindled
things with my ex-husband, who's now married to another woman. Foolish,
I know! He swore he still loved me and was trying to extricate himself
from his marriage. As it turned out, he and his wife were pursuing in
vitro fertilization the whole time. Now I'm pregnant. And so is his
wife—she's having twins! So my question is: Do I terminate the pregnancy
and let him off scot-free? Or do I have the baby?
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I've always wanted to be a mother, but these circumstances
are just rotten! Having the child will mean our family and friends will
all know I tried to break up his marriage. The child and I will be
second-class citizens. His wife and those twins will always be the
legitimate ones—the ones that receive all the financial support. He told
me if I do choose to have the baby, he wants to keep it a secret from
his wife, his family, and the world.
But this may be my last chance to have a baby. I'm 35. Can I
really make a life as a single mom? To compound matters, I've recently
reconnected with a wonderful man who has invited me to move out West
with him and has mentioned marriage. If I do keep the baby, I may lose
the man. But if I terminate the pregnancy, will I regret it the rest of
my life? Should I become a single parent, hoping someone will love me
someday? I'm pro-choice, it's very early in the pregnancy, and I would
appreciate any advice!—Pregnant and Alone
Miss Alone: My God! That man is a
scoundrel! But for now, we'll bestow the fewest possible thoughts on
him. The question you're deciding is this: Do you possess the humor,
stamina, and brains to deal with the troublesome, arduous, joyful,
tender, histrionic, ego-shattering, hilarious traumas of single
parenthood? If you feel you do—have the baby. If you believe that at
this particular time you're not up to fulfilling this monumental task,
then you must make a second decision: to end the pregnancy or give birth
and put the baby up for adoption.
As for the over-35 concern, I can offer some statistics:
According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, these days,
one in five women in the United States has her first baby after 35. The
Southern California Center for Reproductive Medicine claims women in
their twenties have a 20 to 25 percent chance of getting pregnant each
month when they're trying consistently. By 35, a woman's chances of
conceiving then lessens to 10 percent each cycle. And at 40, it drops to
5 percent. As you age, alas, your risk for having a baby with a
chromosomal problem does increase, as well.
Life is an eternal struggle, darling. I won't go into the
pros and cons of adoption here. A counselor or lawyer specializing in
the field can lay out the facts a thousand times better than I can. What
I do want to tell you is to remove the men from your decision.
One man (the father) is a worthless liar and is trying to
control you by telling you to keep your pregnancy "a secret." He will
probably offer you money to keep it hidden. The other fellow is a
complete question mark. But already you're thinking to yourself, "If I
keep the baby, I may lose the man," and the guy has only just shown up!
Let me repeat: Take both men out of the equation!
You can't count on either fellow for financial, emotional,
medical, social, or moral support. The only person you can count on is a
woman—a woman who is exulted because she can produce life, but also a
woman who is an autonomous, self-ruling being with the moral authority
to govern her own body. In other words, you. Good luck! Let us know how
you're doing.
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