Do French women really have it all?

Former French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld and her daughter Julia Roitfeld sit front row at Paris Fashion Week in September. Photo: Francois Durand. Source: Getty Images

SOURCING the perfect Breton tee was easy, the morning croissant pas de problème.

But, to be honest, that first unfiltered Gauloise of the day can be hard going, while getting les enfants to sit silently in a cafe and eat their foie gras baguettes turns out be a bit of a cauchemar.
Still, we do what we must. And that, according to a raft of aspirational self-help titles, is act like French women at all times — even if we’re 24,000km from the Champs Élysées, and wearing leather cigarette pants in our climate represents a serious OHS hazard at least nine months of the year.
Since the publication of Mireille Guiliano’s bestselling French Women Don’t Get Fat in 2004, the idea that our continental sisters are in every way superior to us has gained considerable cultural traction. The genre has expanded to cover every aspect of the female experience, from the workplace to wardrobe organisation and motherhood (American journalist Pamela Druckerman made The New York Times bestseller list with Bringing Up Bébé and went on to release a companion volume, French Children Don’t Throw Food).

Editor-in-Chief of Vogue Paris Emmanuelle Alt. Photo: Francois Durand. Source: Getty Images

And, of course, le boudoir. Last year, Guiliano followed up with French Women Don’t Get Facelifts, a guide to ageing the Gallic way, which must mean a guide to the impossibly chic French-style death, Hermès scarf knotted just so, must be right around the corner. Working title: Au Revoir Tristesse.
These books foster the idea that all French women are elegant seductresses with perfect children, fulfilling careers, well-turned ankles and Nicolas Ghesquière’s private number. An idea that would be much easier to dismiss as a ludicrous media construct if actual French women weren’t — to paraphrase Proust — so effing cool.
There’s no limit, apparently, to how high Charlotte Gainsbourg can wear her jeans and still look chic. French Vogue editor Emmanuelle Alt is the big game of street-style shooting; actresses such as Léa Seydoux and Clémence Poésy have the indie-ingénue market cornered; while Julia Restoin Roitfeld’s lifestyle blog, Romy and the Bunnies, makes Goop look positively accessible.

The Man Repeller, aka Leandra Medine, and Caroline De Maigret. Photo: Jennifer Graylock. Source: Getty Images

Late to the soirée is Caroline de Maigret, an ex-model turned music producer and Chanel muse, who (judging by her Instagram feed) is also a professional Cheekbone Haver and Moody Sofa-Sitter.
Unknown six months ago, ubiquitous now, it’s de Maigret who brings us the latest addition to the French-women-are-better-than-us canon, with her newly published How to Be Parisian Wherever You Are (even the post office at lunchtime and the supermarket deli counter?). Co-authored with a trio of girlfriends over a few glasses of red — the French girl’s way of tossing out a book, apparently — some of its edicts are easily achieved by the non-domicile: “Leave a party while it’s at its height” (noted) and “Never display a wedding photo in your living room” (excuse me for just a moment).
Others, however, have a degree of ambiguity you’d have to be Simone de Beauvoir to understand: “Say hello to everybody but talk to no one.” And “Cheat on your lover with your boyfriend” sounds trop exhausting for anyone with work in the morning.

French actress Clemence Poesy Photo: Pascal Le Segretain. Source: Getty Images

Of course, de Maigret is having a joke — she recently posted a pic of Man Repeller blogger Leandra Medine brandishing her copy and wearing an “Am I French Yet?” T-shirt — but it makes you wonder if the trope is now a parody of itself. Or has it always been — how you say in English — total rubbish? Regular French women seem to think so.
At the top of France’s bestseller list this time last year was La Femme Parfaite est une Connasse, which — depending on your phrasebook — translates to The Perfect Woman is a B*tch. The book attacked the French lady myth as unfair on les femmes normales: “Imagine the pressure French women are under because we know we are supposed to do everything well,” the authors wrote, before presenting the case for sweat pants, carbohydrates and “le binge drinking” — pleasures from which French women feel excluded.
“We have muffin tops, too, but we can’t show them because we are French. You’d never see a French woman vomit in the gutter.”
A second volume is in the works and there’s also talk of a movie, which may go some way to debunking the myth of French female superiority … leaving us with only one question in the meantime: do we actually eat the croissant, ou non?

French actress Lea Seydoux. Photo: Pascal Le Segretain. Source: Getty Images

HOW TO BE AUSTRALIAN WHEREVER YOU ARE
• Havaianas are suitable for the beach, office and society funeral.
• When invited to the home of a new acquaintance for the first time, greet the hostess warmly and ask if she’s renting.
• Your commute is the appropriate time to apply make-up and scratch off the last vestiges of your manicure.
• At the restaurant, speak loudly enough for other diners to hear you, pausing the conversation only to take and post a series of hilarious selfies.
• At a black-tie event, do not be afraid to yank up your strapless dress every time it slips down.
• Fake tan should be 15 shades darker than your natural skin tone.